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Every World Cup


% Act one.  On the Simpsons' TV, a man in a cowboy hat barbeques a soccer 
% ball and thrusts it, skewered and flaming, at the camera, screaming, "Open 
% wide for some soccer!"  As the commercial continues, high-action footage
% of soccer matches accompany the announcer's voice.

TV Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield!  
              It's all here--fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties?  You bet!
        Bart: Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?
       Homer: I...don't know.
TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars.  Like Ariaga! 
              Ariaga II!  Bariaga!  Aruglia!  And Pizzoza!
       Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs!
       Homer: Woo-hoo!
TV Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is 
              the greatest on earth: Mexico or Portugal!
-- Watching television, "The Cartridge Family"

% After wholeheartedly accepting Bart and Lisa's pleas that the family 
% attend the match, we watch as the crowds gather at Springfield Stadium.
% The Simpsons sit together, preparing themselves for watching the game.

Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.
-- Homer making empty threats, "The Cartridge Family"

Marge: It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp.
 Bart: Yo!  Paella Man!  Wing one up here!
-- At the soccer game, "The Cartridge Family"

% The vendor tosses a bowl of yellow goop toward Bart, who catches it.
% Lisa, meanwhile, points out that Pele is on the field.  The soccer star 
% takes a microphone in hand and addresses the crowd.

Pele is king of the soccer field.  To be king of your kitchen, use
Crestfield Wax Paper.
-- Think he works for Crestfield? A sellout soccer player, "The Cartridge

% The referee blows his whistle, and the game begins.  The Mexican team
% has first possession of the ball, kicking it with extreme caution around
% midfield as the crowd buzzes with excitement.  The opposition stands nearby,
% hesitantly guarding its side.  As the situation continues, the crowd's
% excitement begins to level off, until everyone in the stands sits silent.

            Homer: [shouting] Boring!
           Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
         Brockman: [calling plays from booth listlessly] Halfback passes 
                   to the center.  Back to the wing.  Back to the center.  
                   Center holds it.  Holds it. [rolls eyes] Holds it...
Mexican Announcer: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back
                   to center, center holds it!  Holds it!  Holds it!
     Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
              Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
         Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
              Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [puts Flanders into 
                   a headlock]
          Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
            Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
-- The start of a traditional soccer riot, "The Cartridge Family"

% Lenny punches Principal Skinner in the stomach, knocking him into the
% aisle stairway.  He collides with Barney's beer tray, spilling it.  Barney, 
% enraged, runs headfirst into the increasingly large number of people 
% fighting on the stairs, bowling them over.  Meanwhile, a group of Scottish 
% men watching the game stare boredly at nothing in particular.

Ach!  They call this a soccer riot?  Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!
-- Groundskeeper Willie to his fellow scots, "The Cartridge Family"

% The men, rolling up their sleeves, start to pound anyone who comes near
% them.  It's not long before the entire stadium is embroiled in a voilent 
% riot.  The Simpsons stand next to their seats.

   Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here!
   Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]
Scotsman: [turns to face Homer, screaming] Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!
   Homer: All done! [runs off]



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